Pause & Reorient

If you keep finding yourself embroiled in repetitive arguments with your partner that never resolve, it may not mean you're fated for breakup or divorce. Many couples struggle with communication, especially during conflict. But if they’re willing to adjust what they say and do in the heat of disagreements, they can shift the tides of their fights away from rupture and towards repair.

A simple strategy I teach my clients to prevent arguments from going off the rails is a three step process called Pause and Reorient. When both partners deploy it as the temperature of a disagreement rises, they can each lower animosity and defensiveness. The process works by moving partners out of the attack/defend dynamic that fuels angry back-and-forths, and into the dynamic of tending and befriending. This sets the stage for fewer attachment injuries, greater connectedness, and improved nervous system regulation—all of which lends itself to far more productive conversations, problem solving, and mending of hurt feelings.

Here's how to implement Pause and Reorient:

1. Call out the dynamic

This can be as simple as “Hey. We're both just yelling at each other. Can we hit the pause button here?” The goal is to name that you're in an unproductive exchange or cycle that's going nowhere and that you’d like to halt this pattern. This helps ally you and your partner against defeating the dynamic—rather than defeating each other.

You can take this a step further in a later moment of non-argumentativeness by reflecting with your partner on the negative or unproductive dynamics you tend to get sucked into the most. Explore it in a stepwise fashion; e.g., “when I hear/see you you say/do ____; I do/say _____. This causes you to _______. Then I _______.” Label this process. Use that label like a safe word when it crops up, and agree not to enter into it. This extended step is adapted from Sue Johnston’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. (More on that here.)

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2. Turn towards your partner

Physically and literally turn towards your partner. Bonus points if you can look into their eyes. (Not menacingly, of course, but with love or at the very least some hint of softness.) You do not have to say anything. In fact, sometimes it's much better if you don't for a moment. This allows you and your partner to reconnect and begin to re-regulate.

Safe (emphasis on this one), direct eye contact has been shown to reduce aggression. According to research and theory by Steven Porges, eye contact helps kindle the social engagement arm of the parasympathetic nervous system by cueing the vagus nerve to hit the brakes on our body’s fight/flight response. Which is really just a fancy way of saying safe eye contact can calm us down and help us (re-)connect.

Same goes for safe and loving touch. Reaching out and gently taking a partner’s hand, hugging them, or putting a hand on their thigh or shoulder to convey support can release oxytocin (in both partners), which tends to increase partners’ perceptions of closeness and reduce mutually perceived threat.

All of this helps turn the volume down on aggression, defensiveness, and withdrawal, thereby promoting tending and befriending behavior, and more productive interactions.

3. Take turns accepting responsibility

This is a classic directive from couples therapy—because it works: Taking responsibility with your partner can facilitate a reduction in blame cycles, soften your partner towards you as you own your mistake(s), encourage your partner to do the same. The end result is greater connection, de-escalation and repair. (More on that here.) Responsibility-taking is the opposite of defensiveness, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse outlined by famed couples therapists John and Julie Gottman.

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Taking responsibility can be as small as noting, “I’m sorry, I was raising my voice just now. Let me rephrase that in a softer tone.” It can also be acknowledging how your words or behavior may have adversely affected a partner, even if unintentionally (think: “I can see that confronting you first thing in the morning wasn’t the best timing and led you to feeling more stress.” Or, “I get that yesterday’s event was important to you and I didn’t show up, so that hurt.”)

If you struggle with this one, keep it simple. A sincere apology or statement of awareness for what you could do slightly differently goes a long way towards softening your partner and setting the stage for a much kinder and less animosity-filled conversation.

Then what?

From here, you can revisit the argument or (gasp) let it go for the time being if that ends up feeling right for both partners. (It's true that not every slight in a relationship can or will be resolved, especially not immediately, and letting go of the pressure to analyze every single assumed wrong can be genuinely freeing. That said, the big stuff that scratches old wounds and the icky dynamics that only led to greater distress are important to iron out, sooner than later.) Each time you tread into unsteady waters, come back to the Pause and Reorient strategy. Doing so makes it more likely that you and your partner will hear one another rather than dig your heels into your own version of events or urge to be right.

If you attempt this strategy more than once and still find yourself unable to have a non-volatile or productive conversation with your partner about difficult matters, you may want to consider enlisting a trained couples therapist for support. Look for someone versed in a research-backed modality, like Gottman Method, EFT, or Imago.

Note too that this strategy is not recommended for couples experiencing any form of domestic violence or abuse. If safety is a concern, tending and befriending is absolutely not what you’re going to want to do. Your main priority needs to be safety planning, arming yourself with support, and doing what you can to exit your situation. If you don't know where to start or how, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

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Intractable arguments are unfortunately a hallmark of many if not most long term relationships. But they needn’t always lead to extreme rupture, emotional dysregulation, or interpersonal suffering that gets in the way of your sleep, health, career or social life. Strategies like Pause and Reorient are one of many that aid in reducing the intensity of arguments, facilitating deeper understanding between partners, and creating a dynamic in which healing can occur. If you’re interested in learning more about all of these tips and tricks, check out Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson or Fight Right by Julie and John Gottman.

Hang in there. You’re not alone and hope may not be lost. You and your partner may just need to hone a few interpersonal skills to ensure that less volatile moments stop tarnishing the course of your relationship.